Emu Escapes, Elude Experts, Not Llamas

"Yeah. You better watch out."

A Rhode Island emu escaped its farm this weekend, wreaking havoc and terrorizing locals.

"Hi, my name is Debbie Foley and I'm house-sitting for my brother and I've just seen a big chicken run across my yard," a frantic woman told 911 operators when she reported the rogue bird. "Oh my God, I'm afraid to take my dog out! Did anybody report it missing?"

"Actually, yes, and dozens of people reported sightings," the operator calmly responded.

Whether the emu escape was a one-off or the beginnings of a nefarious plot against America is currently under investigation. Emus can run up to 30 miles per hour, but officials are assuring the public that elite Llama Liberation Squads were mobilized at the first sign of trouble.

"We've got this covered," said President Obama. "I can't tell you where the llamas are as that would jeopardize national security, but rest assured--they're there. They're everywhere."

Camelids Crush Cold

Jack Nicholson - 0. Llama - 1.

A severe cold snap has hit the east coast, chilling the region and leading to the death of an Allentown woman today, and an alarming rise in inter-species anger.

As human residents scramble for more layers of clothing and tanks of oil, llamas are finding themselves in a surprisingly sunny position--their thick coats, a product of evolving in bitingly cold conditions, allow them to ride the cold out in relative comfort.

"All these people need to stop whining," said Lucile Llama of Hazelton. "How do you think we like 100 degree temperatures? Think about it."

Human/llama relations are plummeting faster than high temperatures as human residents become increasingly angered by the 'haughty' attitude of their camelid neighbors.

"Just because they're cute, doesn't mean they're right!" said an angry Bloomsburg resident.

With the mercury continuing to sink across the eastern seaboard, the outcome of this fluffy angst remains to be seen.

Wikileaks Bad News for Students, Camelids

"What you talkin' 'bout, Assange?! Actually, don't tell me."

The panic surrounding the latest round of leaked government documents from Julian Assange's brainchild, Wikileaks, has led to U.S. agencies warning students that reading Wikileaks could damage their future job opportunities.

"They may very well take into account your opinion, as a job candidate, whether or not you think WikiLeaks is a good thing or bad thing for the country," said Pepperdine University law professor Gregory McNeal. "It's a small issue, but one to approach with caution if I were a student seeking a job in the national security field."

The larger issue, however, is how this could potentially affect llamas. As the victims of millennia of prejudice in their native Andes, llamas worldwide fear that this could virtually eliminate their ability to move up the socioeconomic ladder.

"I never thought just reading something online could do this to me," said a worried llama who wished his name withheld for obvious reasons. "I mean, you go to school, spend years laboring as a pack animal, and this is all the thanks you get."

Imagine All the Llamas

John Lennon (1940-1980) and his true llama love.

30 years ago today, John Lennon, one of the most influential musicians in rock's history, was assassinated when Mark David Chapman fatally shot him outside his New York City home.

Around the world, fans gathered today to celebrate the life of this icon.

While his musical and social push for peace are widely recalled, his ties to his pachyderm pals are often forgotten.

"Blimey, stop persecuting the bleedin' llamas!" Lennon not-so famously said at a 1971 concert.

In memory of the man himself and his sacrifices for Andean animals everywhere, thousands of llamas and alpacas joined together Wednesday afternoon to graze on a Peruvian mountainside, living life in peace.

Coming Soon: The Llama Lowdown

You don't have to confess. We're looking for you.

Ever wondered what an adorable animal thought of the news? 

Ever thought, "Hey, this Andean pack animal looks like he knows his stuff, I wonder if he'd tell me all his secrets if only I gave him a cookie?"


Well, now you'll know.


And it doesn't even cost a cookie.